


Where I Belong

by Amonet



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Abuse of flashbacks, Angst, Break Up, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Self-Hatred, Steve Rogers is a good boyfriend, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, but not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-22
Updated: 2017-04-22
Packaged: 2018-10-22 16:24:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10700697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amonet/pseuds/Amonet
Summary: This should have been easy. Walking up to Steve and just telling him that it was over. Very easy. And Tony had been ready. What he hadn’t expected was that Steve would take this so badly.





	Where I Belong

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: trigger warnings for the following: self-hate, suicidal thoughts/suicide references, panic attacks, self-harm.  
> If you think that any of these might bother you, please don’t read this. Nothing I write is worth possibly causing harm to yourself. 
> 
> Rated M for one scene which some might see as the beginning of a graphic sex scene and for mentions of suicide.

**Where I Belong**

 

 

“Dads leave. No need to be such a pussy over it.”

-Tony Stark in Iron Man 3

 

 

“We have to talk.”, Tony said as he slowly approached Steve. Even though he tried to sound casual he didn’t quite manage it, his voice just a bit too rushed to seem normal and his eyes to emotionless to seem calm. 

“I –“, began Steve, but was bluntly interrupted by a pretty woman that asked for a dance. God, Tony hated his birthday. Why did he even bother to give a party when everyone was just flirting with his boyfriend? “Tony you’ve got pretty bad timing. Let me just-“ He tried to politely decline the woman’s offer and she looked like she was about to start crying. She couldn’t be older than 20, but Tony couldn’t bring himself to feel sorry for her.

“Steve, I’m really sorry to interrupt your-“ He made a vague hand gesture in the woman’s direction. “Whatever this is, but it’s important. And it won’t take long.”

Steve sighed and smiled apologetic in the woman’s direction before he followed Tony in a quiet corner.

 

“What is this about Tony?”, Steve asked when they were out of earshot. “I know I promised you amazing birthday sex, but the party just started. We can’t sneak out yet.”

Breathing, Tony reminded himself. Slowly. Breathing in, breathing out. “I think we should break up.”, he said, his eyes fixed on the ground in front of him.

For a moment the world seemed to stop. “What?” Steve’s voice sounded way too high like he just got punched in the guts, his eyes wide with shock.

“I should leave,” Tony said but before he could turn around Steve grabbed his wrist.

“Why?” Steve asked, his voice full of disbelieve and oh God, where those tears in his eyes? If Steve would start crying Tony would break down, he was sure about that. “What have I done Tony?” He sounded so broken and Tony was just seconds away from crying himself. 

“I can’t talk about this right now- You should go back I will just-“, Breathing in, breathing out. Slowly. Calm. “I have to go.”

Steve didn’t let go of his wrist. “No. You are not just going to leave now. Whatever this is about, I’m sure we can fix it!”

“There is nothing to fix!”, Tony didn’t realise he was shouting, even after people began to stare.

“So what? You just got tired of me? Realised that I’m boring after all? Four years Tony! And this is all I get?” There were a lot of people looking at them now and Tony shouldn’t have done it here, he knew that now, but he hadn’t expected Steve to react so strongly. He thought it would be easier. He had been so wrong. “We-“, Steve ran his hands through his carefully styled hair. “You know what? No! Not like that, Tony. We are going home now and we are going to sit down and talk about this. There is nothing we can’t fix!” Steve sounded so desperate, so sad and it broke Tony’s, heart. He should have done this weeks ago. But here he was and he fucked up. He fucked up like he always did.

 

All eyes were on them as they walked up to the elevator and Tony could still feel Natasha’s death glare on him, even when the doors were already closed.

The silence was uncomfortable and awkward and Tony wished Steve would just let go of his wrist so Tony could lock himself in his workshop and never come out again.

 

The living room at their floor was empty and Steve sat down in one of the big red chairs, that they would normally never use because they would cuddle on the couch. The good news: Steve had finally released his wrist from his death grip.

 

“Okay,” Steve said, suddenly unsure. “Can you please explain what just happened?”

“I broke up with you.” The words tasted bitter on Tony’s lips, like lies used to taste, before he became a professional liar.

“Yeah, I got that part.” The Captain buried his face in his hands. “This is like a terrible nightmare.”

Tony bit down on his lip until he tasted blood. The metallic taste made it easier not to panic. “What do you want me to say, Steve? Do you want me to apologise? I can do that if it makes this easier for you. But I don’t know what you expect me to do now?”

Steve laughed, but it was nothing joyful about it. “I want a reason, Tony! You can’t just break up with me after four years and expect me to just nod and go on with my life! This is not fast food that you just throw away if you don’t like it anymore! This is a relationship! We are supposed to talk about stuff and not just break up over little things. So excuse the fact that I want just one goddam reason if you have suddenly decided to leave me!”

“You want a reason?” Tony’s nails dug deep into his palms. “Okay, how about the party down there? That’s a great reason if you ask me!”

“If it’s about that girl, I thought we talked about this stuff years ago, I mean we are both grown-ups and-,“ He was bluntly interrupted by Tony.

“It’s not the girl. Hell, this isn’t even about you!”

“Then what is it about! Tell me Tony! Just tell me god dammit!”

“The party isn’t for my 42nd birthday and we both know that! I’m old Steve!” Tony sighed.

“So what?” Steve asked, still half shouting. “So you are 50. Fuck it, it doesn’t matter.”

“It does, Steve. You are 34! I’m 16 years older than you!” Tony ran his hands through his hair, just like Steve did just 15 minutes ago. “Even I think that’s a bit too- You could be my son, god damn it.”

Steve looked like Tony just slapped him. “So that’s your excuse? Your age? Age is just a number. You told me that yourself, the first time we had sex. Do you remember?”

 

 

_“Tony!”, Steve moaned when Tony thrust his hips forward. God, there were too many layers of clothes between them! “Oh, God this is perfect!”, he moaned as Tony’s lips began to suck at the small spot on his neck, not caring about the fact that it would probably bruise and everyone would see it._

_The elevator finally arrived at Tony’s floor and Steve dragged Tony out and to the bedroom as fast as he could. Somewhere along the way, Steve lost his shirt._

_When they finally reached the bed, Steve was breathing heavy and Tony’s hair was a mess. When Tony reached down to take Steve pants off he suddenly stopped and looked up to Steve. “Is this alright?” He looked like he really expected Steve to say no all of a sudden._

_“Yes!” Steve shouted. “Just do it already.”_

_Tony smirked. “Have you ever had sex before?”, he asked while he opened the zipper of Steve’s jeans._

_Steve swallowed hard and Oh God! Even the thought that in the next few weeks there might be a situation where his dick might be in Steve’s mouth could have made Tony come in his pants like a teenager._

_“A ninety-year-old virgin, silly, I know.”, Steve said._

_“Age is nothing but a number, believe me,” Tony said and Steve smiled. “And now we need lube. Nightstand, right next to you.”_

 

 

“I remember.”, Tony said. “But sometimes I’m wrong Steve. Hell, I’m wrong all the time!” He leant back in the big chair. “I’ll have to retire, that’s different than your virginity!”

“Fury won’t make you retire, you are too good. You save lives, Tony. That’s what counts, not your birth certificate.”

“It’s not just that, Steve,” Tony said, desperate for Steve to understand. “You are young! You’ve got time that I haven’t.”

“Is this about the joke Natasha made a few weeks ago? Tony, you are not that old! Sure, we could both get killed tomorrow, but you are not going to suddenly die of old age, completely out of the blue!”

“It’s not that.” Tony wanted to get up and hide in his lab or at least pace around in the living room, but he knew he would just make it worse. “It’s the thing Clint said. About kids.”

 

 

_“Thanks for looking after them, I owe you big time. Tasha and I just have to go out alone for once. She’s great with the kids you know, but they miss their mum and I think it’s really hard for her when they ask about her. They were so close. And I think she is still unsure about this whole stepmother thing.“ Clint threw some toys in a box, ignoring the fact that some of them were glued together and one of the dolls had a moustache._

_“It’s still hard for all of you, I know. It will always be hard. But Natasha makes a really good stepmother, Clint. She’ll realise that. I wouldn’t worry about that too much.” Steve said._

_“I know. It’s not like Laura died yesterday, but a few days ago Nathaniel asked about her and I just didn’t know what to tell him. He is five, it’s not like he could understand any of it. He doesn’t even remember her. How could he, he was barely half a year old.” Clint looked suddenly very old, but when Natasha and Tony entered the room he smiled again. “Anyways, thank you both very much. And who knows, maybe we’ll be the ones babysitting soon.” He winked in Steve’s direction and Natasha laughed._

_“Goodbye, guys! Don’t forget to let the dogs in before you go to bed. See you tomorrow!”_

 

“It was a joke, Tony! Just a stupid joke!”

“But you want kids! The way you look at them like they are a little miracle, sent from heaven with their tiny hands and careless smiles, you want that too!” Tony got up from the chair and started pacing around in the living room, even though he knew it would drive Steve crazy. “And I can’t give you that! I’m not a woman and even if I’d be one, I’d be too old.”

“That doesn’t matter to me! Yes, I want kids, but they would still be our kids, even if neither of us would give birth to them. We could adopt a child or even get a surrogate mother if you want that. We can talk about that if you are not up for adoption.” He looked at Tony, but the older man just continued to walk up and down in front of the fireside. “Can you at least look at me, when I talk to you?”

Tony sat down in the chair he just got up from but still kept his eyes fixed on the ground instead of Steve. For a minute it was absolutely quiet and you could hear nothing besides Tony’s slightly too loud, irregular breathing.

 

“What if I don’t want to talk about it?” Tony suddenly asked.

“Then I’ll wait. We’ve still got time, Tony, we don’t have to decide today, we can still-“, Tony interrupted him.

“No, I mean if I don’t want kids. Ever. Under any conditions.”, his voice was slightly shaky but he looked at Steve now.

Steve looked surprised and hurt at the same time and it broke Tony’s, heart. The super-soldier opened his mouth to say something but closed it again, because he had no idea what to answer.

 

“That’s exactly what I thought. Listen, Steve, I get it okay. Hell, the fact that our relationship lasted that long was a miracle. And it was great.” Tony smiled a sad smile, the kind that you give somebody when you know that you are saying goodbye forever. “It was the best time of my life. But we are just not made for eternity. We always knew that and that’s alright. It’s easy loving someone as long as you are young and beautiful and it’s not like I didn’t know it had to end. I just always hoped it would last a little longer. Hell, the only reason I’m ending it now is, because I don’t want you to realise in ten years what a terrible, terrible mistake it was to stay with me. And I love you too much to let that happen. You deserve to be happy. Hell, you deserve every single good thing in this world, because you are one of the good things. And I just fuck them up. You are the best thing that ever happened to me, and I fucked it up because I’m selfish and stupid and I should know by now that I just don’t deserve good stuff, but I just took you like you were some toy I could buy. I took and took and took and you gave me everything because that’s just the way you are. And I don’t know how you put up with me but I’m thankful that you did. I really am. Because you made me a better person. Somehow you did. You found something good in me. And I-“ Tony was interrupted by a sob. Steve was crying and Tony should have known it, he knew that Steve could get really emotional about stuff sometimes, but he hadn’t thought that Steve would care this much. Had Steve really thought that they would last forever? Had he really wanted to stay with Tony forever? The thought scared him.

 

“You promised me,” Steve whispered with a tear-choked voice. “You promised to tell me if it ever got that bad again.”

 

 

_When Tony woke up it was dark and he felt lightheaded like he was floating. He knew that feeling, it was a result of very good pain medications. But he could still feel that someone was holding his hand. Steve. Suddenly Tony felt very, very guilty. Then he fell asleep again._

_When he woke up for the second time it wasn’t nearly as pleasant as the first. It felt like his ribs might be broken._

_“Tony?”_

_“Yeah?” Tony’s voice sounded rough like he hadn’t used it in a very long time._

_“Oh thank God. They weren’t sure if you’d wake up.” It sounded like Steve had been crying. “You were dead Tony! Your heart stopped beating. They had to break your ribs because they needed to do a cardiac massage and the arc reactor was in their way and-“ Steve swallowed so hard that Tony could hear it through the bandage that was tied around his head. “You tried to kill yourself, Tony. You did this on purpose.”_

_“It wasn't that bad, it happens sometimes when I'm emotional and drunk," Tony said and his voice was so calm, it surprised himself. “Don't you worry about it.”_

_“You tried to kill yourself!”, Steve shouted. “You- You were lying there in your own vomit and you weren't breathing! And no matter what I did, your heart wouldn’t start beating again! Do you have any idea how much I worried about you? How much all of us worried about you? You were dead Tony! This wasn’t nothing!”_

_“I’m sorry,” Tony said and for the first time ever he meant it._

_“Promise me to tell me first, if it ever gets that bad again. Please. I can’t lose you too. I lost Bucky, I lost Peggy, I lost my mother, I’ve got just you. Don’t make me lose you too.”_

_“I promise.”_

 

 

“That’s not the same! I didn’t try to kill myself!” Tony sounded too defensive, he knew that.

“Oh no,” Steve said. “Show me your arm.”

“I’m fine I swear!”, Tony said defensively, eyes fixed on some point just behind Steve’s ear.

Steve jumped from his chair, grabbed Tony’s wrist and rolled up the sleeve of his jacket. When he couldn’t see a single fresh scar he let out a breath, he didn’t know he was holding.

“Nothing there. I promised you, Steve. And I keep my promises.” Tony rolled his sleeve up again. “I’m fine Steve. I’m not suicidal. I just don’t want to be like my dad, okay?”

“You are not like your dad, Tony!”

“Really? Because you said it yourself.”

 

 

_“In a moment, okay? Just let me finish this.”, Tony said and put some tools back on the shelve. “I promise I’m going to be on time this time!”_

_“We don’t have to go, Tony.” Steve’s face looked as good as ever on the small Stark Phone screen. “We can just stay here and watch a movie if you’d rather do that.”_

_“Are you crazy? I love date night.” He paused and looked at the small screen. “And I can’t wait to see you in that suit. And then we are going out and have a nice fondue or whatever this weird Swiss restaurant serves.”_

_Steve chuckled and put the phone down so Tony could only see the ceiling._

_“You are just like Howard. All about fondue!"_

_Steve couldn’t see Tony’s frown because he still hadn’t picked up his phone again._

_“Yeah, just like my old man I guess. I’m showering now, I’m there on time, I promise.” With this words, he ended the call and threw the phone on the small couch in front of him. For a moment he just stared at the equipment in his lab, at Dum-E and the arc reactor replicas lying around. You are just like Howard. Abruptly he turned around and walked out of the lab, up to his bathroom. He would think about this later. Or never. Never sounded just fine._

 

“I did. But I am sorry for that and you know that. The Howard I knew was a different person, then the Howard you knew. We’ve been over this a million times. But this is stupid. This whole breaking up thing is stupid. There is no problem that we can’t deal with.”

“What’s with the kids, Steve? Are you just going to ignore the issue, like I do?”

“Tony, if you really can’t even stand the thought of having kids with me, then I’ll just have to deal with that. I’d just like to know why. And don’t say it’s because of your dad. You would be a great father, you know. Much better than Howard.”

“Steve, no sane person in this world would give me a child! Not even with you by my side. They wouldn’t even consider it!” Tony was pacing again, up and down in front of the fireplace.

“How do you know, you’ve never tried asking anyone before. And if that’s the main issue, then we can work this out. I love you, Tony and I want nobody else but you by my side. If I had to choose a thousand times, I would choose you, ever time.” Steve’s voice was now calm. “I’m in love with you Tony. I want you, and I am not leaving you, because you are 50, or don’t want kids or because of the things you did before we even met.”

 

“Yeah, right. Because who wouldn't want a 50-year-old with PTSD that he has no right to have, an anxiety disorder that he can't cope with and a soon-to-be-deadly drinking problem! It's getting worse, Steve! I can't eat, I can't sleep and I sure as hell can’t talk about it. Not to you, not to Rhodey, not even with Pepper! I am broken, Steve. And it’s getting out of hand."

_“Tony, go to sleep. You’ve been up to long.” Steve got up from his place on the couch where he had been drawing for the last hours._

_“No- I’m fine! I can go on!”_

_“Tony it’s been nearly 4 days, that’s getting out of hand now. Everyone’s worried. Please come to bed with me.” For a moment Steve thought about just picking Tony up and carrying him to bed but he knew Tony hated it when Steve did that._

_“No! I need to finish this now.” Tony had trouble walking a straight line and for the first time, Steve would have rather had it if Tony had been drunk. That would have been less worrying._

_“Tony your nose is bleeding!” Steve was now up to help Tony stand. “Shit, if you don’t go now, I’ll make you go!”_

_“Please!” Tony sounded like he was about to cry and Steve didn’t know what to do anymore. “I need to fix it. Just let me fix it.”_

_“Tony, whatever it is, I’m sure it can wait. Right now, it’s okay the way it is. You have to sleep now, do you understand? I don’t even know what keeps you awake!”_

_“No, it’s not good enough. It’s never good enough for him. He wants it to be better. He’ll be angry if he heard that I just went to sleep. I have to improve it.”_

_“Tony, nobody will be angry if you go to sleep.” Steve finally managed to get Tony to lay down on the small couch. He would carry him upstairs in their bed as soon as he was asleep, which could only be a matter of seconds._

_“Dad will be angry,” Tony mumbled. “He will be very angry.”_

_Steve had never hated Howard as much as in this moment._

 

 

“Then we’ll fix it. We can get you another therapist. A better one. And it’s not that bad, Tony, you are doing much better than you think. Hell, you don’t even drink anymore! You haven’t in months! You don’t smoke and your nightmares are getting better.”

“Steve, do you remember what happened the last time I had a panic attack? Just imagine all that with a kid! This isn't save for a kid. Hell, this isn’t even save for you.”

 

 

_“Tony?” Steve asked into the dark of the apparently empty lab. “Tony? Dinner is ready. Are you coming?” When nobody answered Steve turned around and he already had his hand on the doorknob when he noticed the faint smell of fire and smoke and turned around again._

_“Tony?”, he asked again, now with fear in his voice. “Shit.”, he muttered and searched fanatically for the light switch. It seemed like an eternity until the lamps turned on. Just now he dared to really step into the lab._

_For a moment he thought he might have been wrong, that it was just his usual paranoia playing a trick on him, but then he saw Dummy with the fire extinguisher and the table full of something that looked like a burned iron man suit and he felt like he was going to be sick. Tony. Where the hell was Tony?_

_Someone behind him sucked in a deep breath and Steve almost tripped over his own feet when he kneeled down next to Tony, who was crouched down in the corner, his head between his knees. It took Steve a few seconds to realise that his boyfriend was having a panic attack._

_“Hey, Tony. It’s alright. Just breathe.”, Steve said, even though he didn’t know if Tony had even realised he was here yet. “Breathe Tony.” It wasn’t a request anymore, it was a command. But Tony didn’t breathe he just kept staring at the floor in front of him, mumbling some seemingly meaningless numbers, nails pressed into his palms hard enough to draw blood._

_Steve grabbed Tony’s shoulders and suddenly Tony took in a deep breath and finally lifted his head. For a moment Tony just stared at Steve and it was absolutely quiet, besides Tony’s now regular deep breaths. Steve could see how Tony’s carotid artery stopped pulsating like crazy. For a moment neither of them dared to say anything._

_“I’m sorry.”, Tony said and tried – and failed – to get up without help, his breath still too quick and his legs too shaky._

_“Not for that, Tony. Never apologise for that.”_

 

“But we’ve got it under control. And you haven’t had one in months. You are not as bad at this as you think. You are strong, Tony. I see that every day. Just believe me for once if I tell that it’s going to be okay. We don’t have to have kids right now. We don’t have to even talk about it ever again, if you don’t want to, just think about the possibility. You’d make a great dad.”

Tony sank down in his chair. “Do you really think that?”

“Of course. I’ve been thinking a lot about this stuff you know.”, Steve said and smiled.

“What if I mess up?” Tony asked. “What if I just totally fuck it up?”

“You are going to mess up, Tony! We are both going to mess up, but that’s okay. We’re going to learn from our mistakes and do it better the next time it happens. Everyone messes up at first.”

Tony just smiled. “I’ve overreacted, haven’t I?”

“A bit, yes. But it’s okay. I’ve done that too.” Steve said. “Want to go to bed? It got a bit late.”

“Yeah,” Tony said. “That sounds like an idea.”

 

When they were finally lying in bed and Tony was already sleeping peacefully next to Steve, Steve still couldn’t fall asleep. Today hadn’t been the right day after all, but for some reason, he couldn’t bring himself to care. So, the ring was still in Steve’s pocket instead of Tony’s finger, Steve thought, but it didn’t matter that much to him as it did before today. Maybe it was because he knew he would be with Tony forever, married or not and the fact that Steve now knew that they had a lot to talk about before they could take the next step. But they would get there, Steve knew that.

 

And even if they wouldn’t ever get to the next step, it wouldn’t make a difference, as long as Tony would still be right next to him, where he belonged.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Talk to me on tumblr or send me a prompt! I'm [Amonet-writes](https://amonet-writes.tumblr.com) over there!


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